Akatsuki Do Yoga
by Keono
Summary: What happens when Pein forces all of Akatsuki to do Yoga? A LOT CAN HAPPEN! rated for language and suggested themes! hint of SasoDei... well more then a hint but you get it! Enjoy! Now edited!


All of Akatsuki come to the living room at once!" Pein's voice echoed through out the whole base, alerting all of the members.

One by one they all entered the living room. "I was in the middle of a fucking ritual!"

"Hidan calm the fuck down, you're screaming in my ear!"

"Like I give a fuck dumb ass!"

"Lalalalalalalal!" Tobi was currently covering his ears, (Like Zetsu said to) so he wouldn't have to hear any vile curses.

"Kisame what's going on?"

"Itachi, I told you to put on your glasses, you're as blind as a bat without them."

Itachi frowned. "I'm not wearing those cheap glasses."

"At least they work!" Itachi activated his Sharingan and Kakuzu immediately shut up. Hidan just snickered, which got him slapped upside the head.

"The hell, what did I do Kuzu!"

And at that moment Deidara limped in. "My god, would you all just shut up, un! You're giving me the biggest migraine of all history!"

"You shut it blondy! You're just mad cause you got your fuckin' fun ruined! Not to mention having your head fucking pounded into the head board." Deidara just about turned bright red, from embarrassment and anger.

"Brat calm down, and sit down, I really don't want to have to bandage you up again." Deidara just glared at Sasori and sat down on the long couch beside the puppet.

Pain sighed as everyone had calmed down. "Okay, if you haven't noticed all of Akatsuki have been stressed that it's even affecting missions." He looked at Konan to continue.

"So _we _have come up with a solution to all the stress... Yoga!" Everyone gaped.

"I'm not doing fucking Yoga!"

"Hidan, stop yelling in my ear!"

"Oh oh, Tobi wants to do Yoga!"

"Shut the-" was all Tobi heard.

"Do we have to do Yoga? I mean come one we're an evil organization!"

"I go with Danna, un. It's not really necessary."

_"Yeah for someone who is always bended around." _

"Shut up Hidan, un!"

"Enough! We're doing Yoga! Tomorrow at 3 o'clock pm!"

Everyone mumbled something like 'Yes sir' and left back to their own rooms.

"Pein are you sure this is a good idea?"

The auburn haired man just scoffed. "Please, it'll be easy!"

The next day all of the members were headed to the living room (All dressed in shirts and shorts) to find it... transformed? The couches had been moved out, so they could all see stains on the carpet from where they were. The coffee table gone, TV gone, everything gone. The whole living room looked like it was transformed into a _real _Yoga class!

"I call the blue mat, un!"

"I want to orange one!"

"Pfft both of you guys are pussies! The best color is red!"

Deidara looked skeptical "And why is that, un?" Hidan had a huge grin on his face. "It's the color of blood." And there he went going on about his rituals. Deidara seemed unfazed (Having seeing people blown up) and Tobi just covered his ears again.

"Itachi, watch where you walk you almost ran into the wall."

"I'm fine Kisame-" BANG! "... Can I have my glasses?" Kisame sighed and pulled a pair of glasses out of his shorts pockets, and handed them to the blind Uchiha.

There was a puff of smoke in the front of the _Yoga Room _and Pein was there with a serious face. "Everyone get your mats, and sit get ready for some Yoga."

"Is Yoga like Palates, un-"

"No, Yoga is nothing like Palates!"

Deidara shrunk back. "It was just a question, un."

"Hey, why are you fucking teaching this class!"

"Because Hidan, I have a certificate that says I am qualified to teach Yoga."

Pein held up a document which was framed. "How come that fucking says Nagato?"

"It's nothing!" The pierced man said, holding the document close to his chest.

Konan rolled her eyes. "Come on, let's get this over with."

"Okay, we will begin in downward facing dog." Konan demonstrated as Pein began to talk about how not to hold your-self up by your shoulders and let everything be smooth. "Next walk your feet up to Uttanasana." Konan again demonstrated as she walked her feet up, and was in a standing forward bend, palms touching the floor. "If you can't go all the way, don't."

"Come one, Brat. Your _a lot _more flexible then that!"

"Shut up, Danna, un!" Deidara said with a blush on his cheeks. "And I don't see you doing any Yoga, un!"

Sasori just scoffed. "I don't need to do Yoga, Brat."

"Anyway! Now lets move to Warrior One." Pein joined Konan with the Yoga, put his right leg in front of the other, moving his left leg back, and lifted his hands. "Now don't lift your shoulders much- Itachi, I told everyone to do this!"

The Uchiha just yawned. "I don't want to."

"Itachi-"

"I said, I. Don't. Want. To." His eyes flashed red, and Pein retreated.

"Okay, okay! You don't have to!"

"Hey, un!"

"Shut it Deidara!" Said blond just pouted.

"You know what! Fuck this shit! I'm leaving." Hidan got off his mat, put was pushed back down by Pein's Star Wars force thingy.

"Hidan you're staying!"

The zealot just rubbed his head. "Fucking pin cushion."

"What_?_!"

"Fucking pin cushion!"

"That's it-"

"Pein, you said you would handle this," Konan said in a warning tone, saying as if no-sex-for-a-week.

Pein grumbled. "Fine. Next child's pose." (AN: I really don't want to explain the poses, so look them up if you're curios.)

"Kisame what's a five letter word for a loud mouthed, religious person?" Itachi asked as he was doing a crossword puzzle.

"Wow Itachi, like you wouldn't know?"

"What, what is it?" Hidan asked looking around. Kisame snickered.

"Danna, I don't wanna do this, un~!"

The red head just sighed, "Brat, I really have no control over that."

Deidara began to whimper. "Pwease, un?"

Sasori smirked. "Okay, only under one condition."

Deidara immediately got out of child's pose, and ran over to his Danna. "What is it, un!"

Sasori smirked sadistically and whispered in the blond's ear. Deidara's eyes widened and he blushed.

"R-really, un?" Sasori nodded. "Fine, un."

Sasori pulled Deidara up from his seated position. "Pein-sama, we're going."

"Wait!" but they were already gone. "Dammit. They're probably just gonna go screw each other or something... Okay get into table top position." He got on his hands and knees, and- "Hidan put the scythe down! You are not doing a ritual now!"

"Fuck you!" the Jashinist stabbed himself, blood spurting all over his mat, and some on the carpet.

"Hidan, rituals are _supposed_ to be in the room! I am not paying to get the carpet cleaned!"

"Whatever, cheap ass!"

Pein's eye began to twitch. "Okay now cat-"

"Oh my god, un! Harder!" A thudding sound came from the wall, followed by more screams.

"What the-" Hidan muttered.

"You're going to have to do a lot more begging then that!"

This time it was Sasori who spoke up. "Please, un! Make me hurt so fu-" Zetsu covered Tobi's ears once more and waited for about a minute 'till the blond stopped.

"And 'till I can't walk for months, un!"

"Fine!" The thudding got louder, and the screams escalated.

"Zetsu-san what's Deidara-sempai talking about?"

The plant man just sighed, "You'll-"

"Faster, un!"

"You-"

"S-so close~"

"Y-"

"Danna, un!"

"For the love of god! You'll know when you're older... whenever that is?"

"Enough! Okay now go into crisscross and put your hands at hearts center." Everyone did as instructed. "Now chant. Ohm-"

"H-harder, un~"

Pein stood up and banged on the wall. "Hey! Shut the fuck up!"

"Mind your own business Pein!"

"Danna, un~ Why'd you stop!"

The thudding soon started again. "Yeah Pein mind your own fucking business."

Pein turned his Rinnegan eyes towards the still bleeding took a deep breath. "Okay. Continuing, try to ignore the noises. Now back to chanting." He sat back down and closed his eyes.

"Ohm-"

"Oh god!"

"Ohm!"

"Faster, un!"

"Ohmmm!"

"Yeah, you like that bit-"

"OHMMMMM!"

"Dan-"

"That's it! Namaste bitches, I'm out!" Pein ran out of the _Yoga room _in a huff.

"Fucking finally!" Hidan stood up and stretched.

"Well that was interesting." Kisame just nodded with Itachi.

"I for once agree with you."

Konan sighed. "I knew this was a _very _bad idea from the start."


End file.
